What makes someone “good” at relationships? Is it possible to be adept at something such as dating or other social relationships? In fact, there is such a thing as Relational Competence (in other words, how talented someone is at initiating and maintaining a good relationship), and research has shown that people with strong relational competence have better communication and more satisfying interactions and relationships with others. Here are some of the widely-identified dimensions of relational competence to help you determine your own dating IQ.
Initiating Relationships
If you are skillful at the initiation stage of a relationship, you can be expressive in social situations. You have no trouble asking someone new to get together or go out, you can introduce yourself to and carry on conversations with a new person that you might want to get to know, and you are not afraid to go to parties where you don’t know people.
Personal Disclosure
If you are skillful at personal disclosure, you have no difficulty in revealing something intimate about yourself while talking with someone you are just getting to know. You can confide in people and let others get to know the “real” you. This includes disclosing things that you might be ashamed of or anxious about, but also good things such as how much you appreciate and care for another person.
Asserting Displeasure with Others
If you are skillful in this domain, you are able to tell someone that you don’t like a certain way he or she has been treating you. This includes saying “no” when you feel a request is unreasonable or you don’t want to do something. You can tell someone when they have hurt your feelings or made you angry or embarrassed, and can stand up for yourself when you have been wronged.
Providing Emotional Support and Advice
If you are skillful at support, you can listen patiently and sensitively when someone is having problems, you are able to help others through major life decisions and show genuine concern (even when the problem is uninteresting to you), and you can give advice in ways that are well received when someone needs it.
Managing Interpersonal Conflict
If you are skillful at interpersonal conflict, you are able to admit that you might be wrong and put your own resentful feelings aside when having a fight. You can really listen to a person’s complaints during a conflict. You try not to read his/her mind and are able to take their perspective and work through specific problems without resorting to global accusations such as “you always do that.”
Social Sensitivity
If you are skillful at social sensitivity, you are often told that you are a sensitive and understanding person. You can easily adjust to being in just about any situation and can maintain a calm exterior even if you are upset. You care about the impression you are making on other people and are not afraid to express how you feel if the situation calls for it. You can understand emotions in other people and also manage your own. This includes being able to read emotions on other people’s faces (distinguishing anger from sadness) and can determine the best way to manage your own emotions. You know when it is better to keep your opinion to yourself and when it is better to approach the other person with your feelings.
Need to Raise Your IQ?
Some people might be strong in one area but weak in another. If you find that you are having trouble in one of these areas, stop and ask yourself what are you really afraid of. You might just need to keep putting yourself out there for it to not be as scary anymore. For example, the holiday season is usually a time of many parties and this offers a great opportunity to work on initiation skills.
What are some other things you think are important for a high dating IQ? How have you improved your own? Is there something from this list that seems more important than all the rest? Please leave a comment below; I’d love to hear your feedback.
Filed under: Dating
